Why Create a Group like this?
Around the time that my daughter was starting school, I became friends with an English family who had recently moved to Strasbourg. Our daughters were in the same class, and excited to spend park dates and playdates together outside of school. This was, I believe, my first encounter with a child who did not want to be here. Or rather, this little girl simply did not want to leave the country she had grown up in and where she felt so truly at home. Anywhere that was not England was not a place Tilly wanted to think of as home. So much so, that as the months went by, she adopted a kind of language of temporary existence for her life in France. Home here became ‘our right now home;’ her friends at school were her ‘for now friends’ and she would frequently refer to ‘when we go home’ in everyday conversations – referring to the time in the near future, when she believed her family would be returning to the place she knew so well; to where she belonged. Unfortunately, her plans were not those of her parents. Returning to the UK was definitely not on the cards for the time being. As the months went by, my friendship with Tilly’s Mum Jan grew; we would look forward to our coffee mornings once we had dropped our girls at school, when we were both able to share the many ups and downs of early parenthood. Jan frequently confided in me the guilt she felt knowing their little girl had convinced herself she would soon be going ‘back home’. Despite both parents never having led Tilly to believe they would be returning to England in the immediate future, this 5-year-old little girl had somehow convinced herself otherwise. She had made up her mind; everything in France was of a temporary nature, and in her eyes, had merely a ‘part time’ existence. My own daughter would tell me that her friend Tilly was happier in England and that she was excited about going back.
Throughout the years, Tilly continued to refer to her family’s return to England. With time, the hope turned to frustration, then anger and sadness. She struggled academically in a system which although international, was set within a French culture. Her struggles and pain continued until high school, when she finally met with teachers who were able to offer tools to help. And then it happened – the family did actually decide to return to England. This came after over ten years of struggles with their daughter, who somehow did not ever settle in a country which for her would never be home.
Since meeting Jan and Tilly, almost 15 years ago, I have met and worked with many other examples of children coming from abroad with their families who simply do not ‘settle’ in the ways they naturally settled in the country they have left behind. Whether through my work as an educator in international schools or other circles, each case is unique. Yet what many of these children have in common, is that they have somehow been robbed of a feeling of contentment for their life abroad. This feeling often spreads to other areas of their lives, affecting their ability to find peace in this new country and in turn puts a ‘damper’ on the experience of every other member of the family too.
The solution? There is no simple answer. What is sure, however, is that comfort can definitely be found through sharing stories. I have learned over the years that the more I am able to listen to the stories of children coming from abroad and feeling ‘stuck’ in the nostalgia of their home countries, the more likely it seems for small but significant shifts to happen. Sharing seems to offer a comfort which might just be enough to enable someone to move forward in more positive ways.
And not all the stories are those of struggle. Many of the children I meet over the years have experienced the transition from one country to another with ease and have many happy stories to tell. These stories also matter. It is through sharing that doors are opened; stories can offer hope and understanding. They can, I believe, help navigate what may have been missed or misunderstood until hearing them spoken out loud. Stories give a voice to what otherwise might remain an internal conversation. They help bring us closer to others, leaving us less alone.
My belief in the power of storytelling has led to the creation of the Circle Stories Support Group. I come to the group not so much as a teacher, but as an adult offering a space for stories to be told; for stories to be heard, and maybe, for stories to work their power on those in need of a moment of understanding. The group claims neither to be a therapy session, nor to fix everything which may not be going well for the young people who attend. It is, however, a safe and friendly space where those who come along can share, or simply listen, in the presence of myself and Audrey, my friend and colleague whose experience and personality will add to the warmth and friendliness of the space we create.
Open to English-speaking 11 to 17 year olds, the group will take place initially once a month. Please help spread the word to any young person having moved to this country, who has a story to tell and to learn from.
(Any names used in this article are fictitious to protect the identity of those concerned).