Well-fed

Sorting through confusion

My girlfriends nourish me. Soothe me, help me feel strong again, yet at the same time help me give back and soothe them too ...

My dear and wonderful friend Gina offered, in the midst of another of my crazy cycles of anxiety and fear of the world around me, an art therapy session over zoom. I was somewhat dubious. Not of the power of Art Therapy, so much as my own stubbornness and incapacity to be helped when in "crazy mode". I agreed though, and spent the week wondering during snatched moments how on earth she was going to attempt any kind of therapy through any means with me.

September has its history in the  making of my life calendar throughout the years. September for many of those years meant a returning to school; a going back; an end to summer breaks and freedom with friends outdoors where parents seemed to almost forget about us. We were safe in our make believe world and worry or fear was mostly kept well away. The returning to school even on a Monday morning during most term times was a struggle throughout primary and secondary schooling.  A mental and emotional struggle against all sorts of monstrous fears which I never managed to resolve well. The immensity the first day back after a long summer break took on, would rock my whole being. It was huge.

Yet I always showed up. Not once did I consider the possibility of opting out. Not once did I consider saying "no, I can't do this," and refuse to get out of bed, or worse, refuse to show up at school.  This pattern has followed me into adulthood. Saying "no" is a rare occurence when it comes tochallenge. I take huge risks for my sanity and peace of mind and often run into trouble ...

The help I guess I needed as a child in finding my way through the fears and struggles and worries was something I didn't know how to ask for. I didn't learn that lesson. Today, my girlfriends help, and without that female circle of support, much of me would crumble.

The first art therapy session took place just over two weeks ago. I was given a gift of total presence . Gina offered me her gift, and incredibly, I was able to accept it wholeheartedly. We talked, then I drew. I used oil pastels and put something on the page which eased my pain in a most unexpected way. Unexpected for me, that is. We talked about the colors, the roots and branches of what appeared to be the beginnings of a tree, the words I had added to the page at the end. The raw reds and pinks which I had rubbed over and over one another then laid my palm down upon and waited. Still, with no expectations, just observing. Observation led to a recognition of an ache within me which was strangely yet softly and gently eased each time I returned to the fiery reds and pinks and sat with them. The pastel colors rubbed off onto my hands and I could smell their waxiness. The colors, the sounds of the pastels as I rubbed them on the page. The quiet inside the kitchen. I loved it all.

soothing with art

In  the week that followed I sensed I had settled. The chaos and disruption eased and I was able to walk through each day with  ease and peace. I was amazed, and at the same time, I was not at  all surprised. My girlfriend had sat alongside me. She had nourished me and soothed me with her presence and I felt better. The needy child within me had been tended to. I could go on, cared for, happy and strengthen by the power of presence.

My half term break began three evenings ago when I invited 3 wonderful women over for a soup dinner. Preparing for our evening together gave me so much pleasure. The soup was to be the Crank's recipe for apple, carrot and cashew nut soup, to which I like to add a good dash of rice and coconut milk at the end to give it an extra zing! My kitchen became my happy place for the time I was preparing. Podcast on, door closed, candle lit outside on the balcony as the Autumn evening sun went down. I cooked and cleaned, and enjoyed every minute. I was preparing an evening for my girlfriends, knowing they would be glad of a hearty soup, and the wine and cremant we would happily crack open the moment they arrived, and loving that I could give, and make my home a special welcoming place.  But knowing too, that we would all be nourishing each other with our presence and time together. I cleared the kitchen table and spread two pretty cloths on either end. I placed our wine glasses, ready to fill. I lit small candles. I played Alison Krauss, and instantly felt good. It was a privilege to be waiting for my girl guests; my female friends; my women; my sisters. It felt good to recognize and delight gently in  knowing what was making me happy.

We had the easiest, most wholesome,  warm and snug evening. We stocked up on each other's company and talents; Marie brought cremant, nibbles and gifts from her days in Cuba because she too wanted to give to her friends. We all understood. I unwrapped a beautiful shell ring from her. Carrie made apple cake which came ready to serve. Laurie brought home made almond and chocolate cookies and red wine. We shared.
Time with my girlfriends nourishes me. Each time I am able to spend time with them I am reminded how they feed me.

Giving